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Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Is your wife single?
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth