I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
You Might Also Like
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.