Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
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Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
is this a warning or an offer?
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.