You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
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In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.