I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
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(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
groan^2
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.