*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo