Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
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You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
(Musicians.)
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.