Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
You Might Also Like
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Friends that check up on you >
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Me as a therapist: omg same
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper