Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
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My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.