Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
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me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
first you must answer his riddles
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
🏙👨🏼
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Love it! 👍😂
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.