me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
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I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.