The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
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found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?