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Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”