son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
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Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
He-man has a Masters degree
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.