Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
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Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.