“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
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Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.