The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
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just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting