God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
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I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Only Americans understand
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I hope it’s French Onion!
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.