Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
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Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
bought wrong eggs
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
That stupid look on my face, is my face
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Stick it to the man
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.