My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
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him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
A fake ID that makes you younger
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.