“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
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Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes