With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
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“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism