I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
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How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Stop being racist to kettles.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.