HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
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When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Sheep
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high