“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
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It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
congratulations to them
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?