Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
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You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…