Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
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No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
it be like that
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message