barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
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Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
#merica
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Me checking my bank balance online.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?