My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
You Might Also Like
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Sunday
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
incredible
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
that’s really how it is
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this