me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
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laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Me when my alarm goes off
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Genius idea!!
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself