I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
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Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Cats (2019)
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!