I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
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I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.