Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
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The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.