Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
You Might Also Like
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
OH. COME. ON.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room