Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
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Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?