I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
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It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??