13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
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The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it