Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
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My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
early stone age tool
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.