When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
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*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
My beach vacation Google searches
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I know this now 😂
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
My dad teaching me to drive
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.