The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
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Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
The legends speak of a third Duran…
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
the rocks need my help
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
inside you are two wolves
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE