People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
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Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.