My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
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No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.