What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
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My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!