Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
You Might Also Like
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”