I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
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*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
I’ve been learning to cook.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead