My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
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I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
My blood type is coffee.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
also my go-to takeaway order
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.