Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
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My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Me too, bag. Me too….
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes