WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
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A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.