When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
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Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
went fishing caught a bass
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?