My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
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You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders